This I Believe

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One Sunday while I was in service I had an urge to pray for the youth group. I tuned out the sermon and meticulously created a line to recite in prayer for our usual Sunday discussion. I made sure to make an effective prayer that related to the sermon. I recited it a couple times in my head to make sure I knew it well and didn't mess up in front of everyone. After church, the youth group got together and Justin, our youth group leader, led the conversation about the sermon. The discussion came to a close and instead of asking for volunteers Justin decided he would pray that day. I was dumbstruck because my plan did not play out as expected, and I knew I had two options. I could either ask to pray–which I knew he would have liked–or just stay silent and continue like nothing happened.

I admit I was nervous to pray for a crowd of people, but I knew them and knew that they wouldn’t judge me. It was disappointing in a way that I wasn’t able to fulfill that expectation of myself even when I was so determined to. I would have liked to think I wouldn’t have backed out from completing my goal, but the sheer anxiety and unnecessary pressure I felt took over. It was such an easy thing to do, but in front of a crowd of people, it felt like I had my back to a wall. At the time, I tried to make up an excuse for copping out, but in reality, I didn’t follow through because of my own personal fears. I thought it wasn’t a big deal at the time and I was certain that even though this opportunity was gone there would be a new chance next Sunday.

Afterward, I moved on without another thought until the next Sunday rolled around. I did not think about praying for this Sunday, but Justin asked if anyone would like to volunteer. I never planned on saying anything, but still felt like I should complete my goal. As I was deciding what I should do, another kid got pushed to pray for the group. My second chance to pray was gone,and even though there were many Sundays after that where I could pray at, I never did.

Now that I look back it seems mindless that I suddenly gave up on something so simple. There have been many chances for me to follow through with this act, but because it didn’t turn out as planned, I let my irrational fears take over the situation instead of moving forward. After the incident, I began to believe that life will go on, and you have to step up to it when an opportunity or challenge is first presented to you. I continued to turn this thought over in my head and came to a realization that I want there to be a community that encourages people to charge at their hopes and dreams without giving a hoot about what anyone says. Then by fulfilling this one minuscule act, I could be a part of that too.